[Posted @ 1:32 AM]
So. Hi. I'M BACK LOL kinda. Wow. I can't remember exactly what happened for the past two years that made me stop blogging but partly due to family-related reasons.
Eh sad rants in this post. I just want to get this off my chest, it has been staying inside for almost half a year.
As you know my mum had cancer and she wasn't doing so well in the late 2011, we almost lost her that December (our oncologist told us to be prepared for the worst) however the last chemotherapy worked and the tumor shrank. But we know her quality of life is not as good as before and it wasn't long that she had to move around in a wheelchair. We didn't lose hope and my strong mother continued her chemos despite the agony she suffered in each session. She had to be hospitalized a day or two for her chemo drips every month and she never complained (although we know she hated staying in the hospital and always had a great smile whenever we leave the place).
The end of last year was especially hard because she don't even have the energy to get out of bed and move around our own home. It took a toll on her pride. My proud mother's will broke. She wanted to stop chemotherapy but we encouraged her not to give up since the blood test results were always good whenever we went to the oncologist. But then even if the spirit is willing, the body is not. Her liver failed and she was in great pain. Sometimes I will blame myself for not being considerate of her pain and feelings during her last moments. Till now I still ask myself, how can I treat her that way?
The days she spent in the hospital, her eyes were wide and glazed, she wasn't lucid. I was so scared to see her like that and we had to stay overnight to make sure she doesn't pluck the breathing tube off. When arrangements were made to bring my mother back home, I can't bring myself to go see her. I'm so afraid that I will break down and cry in front of her and then make her even sadder or weaken her resolve to survive. After the morphine wore off (a lesser dosage), it was agonizing to see her mind and spirit strong but body weak. At least she wasn't in pain anymore. The night before, she was happily chit chatting with my uncle and the next she never opened her eyes again.
She suffered for 9 months to bring us to this world (my birth wasn't an easy one) and for the next 26 years I have made her sad and cry with my stupid actions and ways. She loved (and worried about) us the most nevertheless and always remind me to take care of dad once she's gone. She often joked that we loved her more than dad. I just felt it is so unfair that she wasn't able to enjoy the fruits she had reaped with dad. Parents are supposed to stay together until they're in their 80s or something but fate had something else for mum. It was not to be.
I love you, mummy. I wish you're in a better place now and you will always be in our hearts as the strongest woman we have ever known. And yes, I will go find a job lol.